De-escalation Phrases: What to Say and What to Avoid

Under stress, most of us fall back on whatever words come first. Having a few phrases ready makes it far easier to stay steady. Use these as a starting point and put them in your own voice.

Phrases that help

To open:

• "I can see this is really important to you."
• "I want to understand. Tell me what happened."

To show you are listening:

• "So what you're saying is..."
• "That makes sense. Anyone would be upset by that."

To slow things down:

• "Let's take this one piece at a time."
• "Give me a moment to make sure I get this right."

To offer a choice:

• "Would you rather talk here or somewhere quieter?"
• "I can do one of two things for you right now."

To set a limit:

• "I want to keep helping you. I need us both to lower our voices to do that."
• "I can't change that rule, and here is what I can do."

Phrases to avoid

• "Calm down." It sounds like a dismissal and usually has the opposite effect.
• "That's the policy." On its own it ends the conversation. Explain the reason and offer an option.
• "You need to..." Commands invite resistance. Try "What I need is..." or "Can I ask you to..."
• "I understand exactly how you feel." You may not. "I can hear how hard this is" is more honest.
• "Or else." Threats raise the stakes. State consequences as information, calmly.

It is how you say it

The same sentence can calm or provoke depending on tone, volume, and posture. Keep your voice low and even, and pair your words with open body language.

Practice out loud

Phrases only help if they come naturally. Our Engagement Training gives teams time to practice the wording until it does.